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My Hospital Visit
Fear gaining control, long nights, no sleep I injured myself again yesterday and had to call for help to get to a hospital....turned out it was fear at work again, after I had been there awhile the pain began to abate somewhat. Proding and x-ray, sure looked scary going down the long corridors in the wheelchair. Pipes, mechanical contrivances, nothing looked familar, like a techno-nightmare from some drug fear induced halucinated state, vision of terror through the walls....and then back in the little curtained alcove consulting booth as I waited for results the woman in the next booth called out for help..."nurse, nurse" but no nurse came, she was just shouting in the darkness from her helplessness and slowly accumlating pain. After a while she asked "Is there anyone else in here?" when I replied that I was present I could hear her loud gasp of breath, that thankfulness that indeed she was not alone in this terrible time of her fear and trembling. I walked to the nurses station and told the nurse about the woman's fear and panic and cries for help. The nurse thanked me and walked back with me. Soon the yelling and crying stopped...and the nurse reassured that the problem had been taken care of returned to the nurses station... At last the woman started to talk..she had just turned 65, her husband had recently died, he worked for a large multi-national mining company and had, with his cancer treatments eaten up their life savings...when he died his company sponsored insurance had been canceled and now up against the wall she had asked her also aging brother to live with her so that she would not have to be alone. Together she and her brother were able to keep up the expense of the taxes and upkeep on the house but now with the illness expenses were going up and no new money was coming in.. So in the middle of the poverty struggle she in her fear and trembling had acquired charley horses..the muscle spasms had consumed her whole body..both feet, both hands, everywhere in her body where there were muscles that could spasm they were.. We talked, well mostly she talked and I listened, man what a comedown for her, middle class housewife dependent on husband for health and happiness and then he died and with it so did her security, health and happiness.. Her story really reminded me of my own, at seventy my long time companion has moved out, the bullets and the flashbangs and the crooks, parasites and predators surround me, neighbor dies, I fall and injure myself, not just once but twice...no money can't afford rent, looking forward to an ever
bleaker future... Then the woman next to me on the other side, spoke out "hey are you still there?" "Yes mam'm I ain't gone yet.." and she starts to tell her story, she is there because her husband got drunk and punched her in the eye...she had him arrested and then afraid he would injure her even more she bailed him out. A day or two later she found she was having trouble seeing..and that brought her to the hospital..she had come here from Dallas Texas..her husband from Minnesota, he was a long haul truck driver making lots of cash but his drinking kept screwing him up until at last he got a drunk driving conviction and lost his long haul license...reduced to less rewarding employment his drinking increased and he became
more brutal. Now he wants to sell the house so that they can get the value increase from a good investment decision but she thinks he just wants to waste the money on drink and abuse so she won't sell, she refuses to sign the papers..
no sense losing a good place to live and being reduced to monthly rent with no security at all. A wise woman, if she can just keep the damn drunk from killing her in order to get more drinking money.. I wished her luck and in my deep sympathy, shit it's more than sympathy, at this point looking fear and helplessness in the face and not knowing what to do has become commonplace..such cries to the hidden parts of my soul, those places that no one wants to admit are there and yet influence all of our
decisions as we age and our spirits deepen into the well of unknowing. There the three of us sat...waiting for others to take care of us as the end comes slowly up the long drive to the final emergency room. Ron Amos |
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This intel was contributed by cahotek
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May, 2012
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